CHANGE & CORONA
BY INAM HASSAN
(TRANSLITERATED IN URDU)
Yay quoc mahina boot bor hatha.School o ko para wa nani thi. Daho fathe badd meri
maa ka dost fahot ho gay ha ta. Hum zyada mil thai nahi ho thai they. Moja bahut bura laga ta ki
vo mer gay thai. Islam nahe ka ha ki theen din kill yay rona hae. Osa ke baad tum nahi row suck
thay. Jism say meh sahi tha mere se kuch khaya na piya. Mere say school ka kaam nahi ho ra
tha. Mere damak pay school nahi tha. Mujhe nahi pata tha main kis se baat kar hoo.
Ramadan ah gay ha ta. Mujie la ga ki kuch nahi ho ta meh aahbe be kuch nahi ka rah ta.
Mere damack nahi kaam kar raha que mere saat ahbe kai who ha. Main nay socha ki main abhi
nahi kuch kaya raha ho tahoe ya kuch alag nahi hay. Main na joe kuch be kaya vow sahra
badhr aah gay ha.Main kana come kaya ya kuch nahi kaya. Thaeas dahin mein ka hum kaya ya
kaya he nahi. Dahoe dah fa kaya kqu ka mein baot buhr ser daer ho ra he te. Kaya bolana kil
yay mein school ka kaam key ya.
Is sa ra koch na mujhe waw pis la gay ya ta. Sa ra koch yaad a gay ya ta. Mere kaya ki
bemariyan, joe mis thi jo mujhe baar baar baisat ker te sa ro ke som nah. Sa ra koch vo per a ni
baata jo mujie rollateth. Per be man nah both koshish ki thi kay mahi say ho jaho perbe kuch
nahi hota tha. Main acha lamho ko day ko nahi ki koshish ki te. Mujie per jat ka lag a ta ka mere
purey zingkhai koch acha nahi who ha. Mere purey zingkhai bas laoga mujhe duhok dhai thai
rayay. Mein bas bat ki sa ta ra ha ho ki kuch acha ho a ga.
Gahr rah na se mujhe yadd dil ya day ka a sal duniya kai cheisse hai. Mere gal te na he
ha ki lahoga mujie duhok day te taa. Ya mere sath galat nahi ho wah? Mein her cheisse ki
pacha choup ta tha her moka jo mujhe mil ta tha.Main so cha tha ke mere sath yay baar baar
que hota tha, galta tho sarow ki sath ho ta tha. Phir mujie samaj aya que jo acha banda hay vo
ka bee be nahi jeet ta hai. Bhura bandha jeet ta hai ku ka yay asil zingkhai hay. Yay ka ho ya
pariyon ki kahani nahi hay. Thum apne app ko badal lo, kana come ka ho , ya to ha re krupa
badal lo. Kaho be na tum haa re per wa kar ha ga. Phir bhi har rose oot aka musarrat que saat
que kis he ka dahin ban ja he yay. Jahoot te musarrat be moo pay la ga lo ki kis he ka dahin
ban ja he ha.kuch nahi ho that ki tum hare mis na tum hara mazak ba na ya ta our tum phir raat
row thai re te. Tum apne zimidar ho. Her rose ak naya dhai hai or her rose ak naya moka hai.
Experience in quarantine has been more than expected in a bad way. Schools didn’t
care about our feelings. At home two weeks after quarantine started my mom’s friend died. It was weird because though I didn’t see him often I didn’t think I would be so hurt from his death. Islamically you had to grieve for 3 days, including crying and mourning. There was religious prayer involved. Physically I was done grieving but mentally I wasn’t able to eat or drink or work. Schoolwork was something not on my mind. I didn’t know who to turn to.
Our religious month of fasting, Ramadan, came on. Mentally my mind didn’t function. I was quiet, not over it at all. I thought to myself, well I’m already not eating, this is nothing different. Anything that I ate I threw up or I didn’t eat at all.Thirty days I barely ate only two meals in the whole month because I was getting a hunger headache. To distract myself I started schoolwork but that didn’t help either.
All this took me back to all the trauma that I thought I was over. The eating disorder, the
teacher bullying me, the crying to sleep. However, I did try to cope in many different types of ways but none of them seemed to work. I tried to think of the good times but then sat there shocked realizing that there were no good times. My whole life was me working through the pain others have put me through. Quarantine gave me a reality check. I always blamed myself for the pain others caused me. Was that fair? Fair to me. What was I thinking trying to hide behind everything every chance I get? I tried to think why it was always me getting hurt, getting picked on. Then it hit me: this is reality, the good guy never wins but instead they are made the bad guy and all this pain breaks you till you are no one. You do any and everything in your power, you stop eating, dress differently, change your behavior but all you see is that no one cares. No one cares about you. But you wake up with a smile on your face because a smile even if it's fake and a little kindness can brighten someone’s day. It’s okay if it doesn't matter, it's okay if your teacher bullied you every day and it’s okay that you cried all night. As long as you know that the only person responsible for your reaction is you. You control you and your decision is that every day is a new chance to smile at this horrible world.